Self Limits

Night. I have my usual jacket-shirt-jeans garb on which is enough to ward off the freezing night winds. I was in the app waiting to get invited in.

I was waiting to be invited to this chub's place for some fucking and I was also chatting it up with nice looking Guy, a Pacific Islander who I think is handsome. I called Chub in the phone number he gave to me for an interview. Turns out, Guy is in the same apartment as Chub is; foursome in the making.

Talking with Chub was really interesting. In the app there was this occasional "bro" every sentence, but when it got to the phone call, the syntax was completely different. It didn't help that the voice in my imagination was totally different from the voice I'm hearing at the other end. It was way higher than I expected. Very high.

I was walking around the block, wrapping myself with my jacket with one hand while holding the phone with the other. I understand now that as host, Chub needs to practically know a lot more about me than physical appearance. Harmony between people (four in this case) is more than just good looks.

"The last bus goes out at around 1AM."

"Oh, that's gonna be rushed. When do you start work?"

"I start work at six..."

"Oh, you can't come in at three? four? five?"

"That's usually a time I set for my personal self."

Apart from time and space, there was another problem.

"... I don't even know if your a top---" His "significant other" is a top and Guy is a vers.

"Oh, I'm a bottom," I said (a little too automatically for my taste).

"Oh, we need a top ---"

Whatever was said here was blocked in my head, there was also this cold pit in my stomach. This is a week or so back from a long hiatus from the apps/internet, finding my old habits of dealing with rejection. The thing with Ace still stung.

Yes, I felt dejected and totally unworthy of sexual attraction. Yes, I took that very personally and got fucking sad.

He was apologizing, and I was rushing him with "okay" and "It's fine" because my manners were running thin.

I went home. Indignant.

I got pinged at the app once again. It was JD and Husky.

Husky was located somewhere between a bus transfer, in a neighborhood that's really dark. It's also sketchy because I got mugged a few times. Walking at night to Husky's place is a nightmare to my irrational mind.

From the bus stop to his place is about fifteen to twenty minutes, not to mention that it's an uphill walk. I calculated that there's an hour to get there, fuck or whatever, and get out. Running downhill is easier so there's a five minute margin.

I went to find the place. It took a while of dodging cars and running to the next puddle of light to finally get there. A car and an occasional person on a bike would make my heart jump. It also doesn't help that his place was near a park with no lights (it also doesn't help that most of my clothes are dark). My imagination is on double time and the images I came with did not induce any boners in my case.

I finally figured out the place, and he met me at the entrance of the complex. His makeshift bed, a blanket and futon, was right next to the front door while light from a room bleeds in. He warns me to be quiet.

Husky asked me in the app a week before if I was okay with him being "husky". I told him its okay, I consider myself "husky" too. He's about my height and twenty to thirty pounds heavier than me.

Aside from the bed, there's one large wicker chair and a flat screen TV in the living room. We kissed in the semi-dark, if he was trying to suck my face the way his lips moved over mine would've been perfect. I really didn't want to kneel and initiate a blowjob first, but I did. The carpeted floor made my descent a little comfortable.

His cock was easy to slide in my mouth. Fueled with indignation and just plain horny, I bobbed up and down as expertly as I could. We tussled a few, until the only article of clothing left between us was his Green Lantern t-shirt flipped over his head exposing his smooth and large belly. Husky actually tried to pry my head off his dick three times because he was close to cumming. Then he'd guide my face to his so we'd kiss in breaks.

Sucking Faces 2

I don't think much about kissing. I just go and plaster my face to the person willing to lock lips with me since I honestly thought that kissing was a natural and innate human thing. But I guess it's just more about feeling.

My first kissing experience was around five or six, when RJ, probably younger than me, and I made out with no tongue behind the parked cars on the apartment lot. That afternoon was unreasonably bright as I peeked out and saw his lashes. On the other side of the van was the rest of our friends playing. I also made out with his brother RB.

At one time, I was at the bottom of what seemed like a three story necking game where RB was kissing RJ's neck from his back and RJ was kissing my neck, and this was all happening when our parents where inches from the other side of the sofa. It was really funny, it reminded me of those janitor fishes rather than anything sexual.

Recently, mom told me that RJ was "like me", because at one point he was wearing a dress or something like that, I didn't ask about it. I have no idea what that news meant or why she told me that, but a look at his profile while writing this would say that he's living well in the Homeland, devoutly Roman Catholic and likes David Pomeranz. The D-man got some serious ballads man.

Ace is aggressive. Like a SWAT team, he rams his lips into mine and we'd just tongue fence opening each other up like it's our last breath. I'd cling to him for dear life. In the later years, we'd gone a bit more aggressive than the last. After making out behind the front door, he'd attack my neck and my collar bone. Automatically like some machine, my knees would buckle and I've completely surrendered. I'd claw his back as if it was a legitimate attempt to right myself up, and he'd hear my shallow breaths and moans. He told me that apart from the sounds I make, he likes the goosebumps that appear on my arms and shoulders.That time when he had a three day stubble; it felt great.

Merman takes his time and I'm very okay with that (sometimes). He doesn't fully open to the kisses sometimes; our lips would massage each other and I'd lick at his lips to ask for an entry. He doesn't always open, and if he does he withdraws again. He's very very very soft. Like Merman himself, Merman's kisses would give privilege to the lips he's most comfortable with. Some might get impatient with him, but as long as he's happy, I'm happy.

Security is wet and dirty (in a good way). As he takes me on his lips, he drags on leaving my lips glossed with his spit. There was spit everywhere. Learning as I was, I did the same.

One of the kisses that boggles me would probably belong with Atlas. if we ever meet again, he might not even remember I dubbed him Atlas. He doesn't know my name either so I called myself Ganymede. I'll change it to Patroclus in case. How about Hercules? I can feel eye rolls coming at me.

Either because we rarely kissed or his kisses were so.... minimal that It matched his apartment. Minimal in a sense of "now you see it, now you don't", It was so quick and clean I'm tempted to call it a peck (for lack of tongue). There's such a fleeting quality to it; I know it happened, but did it?

Probably because there was no (strong) emotional fervor in that kiss; he was looking for some fun thing to do and I just happened to be in the vicinity. Glad I was there.

ACE 2

I tried to recall things in order. Nope.

I.

It took us about four meetings to finally say each others names.

Sometimes, I'd get really tense when he enters. I'm still trying to get used to fucking.

He'd stop. "Zen," he'd say, his tone was serious.

"I'm fine." Sometimes I really needed that space, but most times I just wish he's stop asking these things.

Though, sometimes it takes real effort to relax. But I'd be meeting his thrusts a few minutes later.

II.

"It's not that I'm paying you for sex," he says as he hands me a 20. Apparently, my complaints for being broke earlier were heard and Ace thought that giving me money was a solution. It has it's benefits and drawbacks.

I took it reluctantly because I'm not interested in getting paid for sex (with him at least).

He assures me he can afford it. This is trait of his is the one I aspire to emulate the most.

At one point, I didn't cum because I was too hungry. I didn't eat anything last night and I hadn't had breakfast because I need to be clean down there (I was still learning on how to be a good bottom). He can only host in the mornings. (When I asked him for enema advice, he doesn't have anything to offer.)

We have our clothes on, I was on top of him and his finger assaulted my hole. Second knuckle deep I was moaning and salivating and kissing him. We were staring at each others eyes and I made sure he knows by the sounds that I make, my kisses, and the way I look at him that I was enjoying being fucked by just a finger. His cum was the lube.

He stopped. "Get off the bed before I rape you."

Fully resigned, I buried my face in the angle of his neck and just grumbled. I was tempted to disobey, but I was really hungry.

He took me to his regular restaurant (he doesn't cook that much), and we ate breakfast. I took a picture of my food like some hipster fucker and he made snide comments on how fat that other person is ordering a second meal, I shushed him and told him to mind his own business. I thanked him for the meal after as he drove me to one of the usual spots.

III.

Sometimes, when he's inside me, he flexes his cock.

A moan was my usual reaction and a snigger behind my ear was the reply.

One time, I was on my back and my legs were up. He was assaulting my hole with his fingers until it got really painful. But I really loved the way he pressed that spot repeatedly.

IV.

While fucking me in the spooning position, the perfect position for us, he'd reach around and rub my precum with his thumb and make me lick it.

After a few dozens of this ritual. He just needs to raise his thumb to my face and all I'll meet it halfway. I made sure I lick it and suck it dry.

I love it when were facing each other. Like a dad feeding his boy.

V.

I told him about this guy who was a bit more than horny for me.

Can I ask you for some guy advice?

Of course!

Sucking Faces

One night at work, I was deep in thought about the topic of sucking faces. Hours before, after Movie 6, Merman asked me if Old Guard was a good kisser. I'd like to think I'm a good kisser as JD said, but I never really got validation to the men I'd really love to suck faces with.

Z: I need to ask. Was I a good kisser?
Ace: I had no complaints! And I love to kiss!
Z: You're so fucking sweet man. Thanks! Lol.
A: Why someone making u question urself??? [He turns into such a dad sometimes..]
A: Always remember we all have our own reality!
Z: I was just curious. I do believe that theres no bad kisser or good kisser. It's just that your way of kissing doesn't match their way of kissing. Remember that wheezing guy? He just stuck his tongue out...
Z: And someone asked me, "is he a good kisser?" And I thought about it. I like his kisses, is that enough?
A: It's all in the moment!
Z: Of the kiss?
A: Yup
Z: I see.

Z: I need to ask. Am I a good kisser?
Merman: Yes you are why?
Z: Just curious.
Z: I realized recently that there are no good kissers and bad kissers. It's just that sometimes, their kissing doesn't match with your kissing.... or is there really a right way?
M: I think your analysis of kissing is spot on
M: Except of course when that kisser happens to be a smoker yuck
Z: .... yeah, there was a tobacco chewing dude. But from the taste, he seemed to have chewed on a handful of mint. Lol, sweet but ineffective.

ACE

The first meeting was way back, months after that horrible experience. By some miracle, I still want to fuck and I have faith that I'll have a good fuck. I'm glad I'm an optimist.

I met Ace in an app few minutes before my shift ended. I think I initiated the conversation, after a poke from him. We agreed to meet a few days from then. I remember telling him, for some unknown reasons why... probably instincts, of my awful experience with butt fucking. He reassured me I'll be fine.

----

I figured out which buses to take (a route I've memorized), and I passed by a house that's being built while doing uphill to his apartment building. Over the years, that skeleton would be a full fledged beautiful house with a large parking space.

I made it to the street of the building and we met outside, he looks like a regular 50 year old white guy (we're thirty years apart to the dot). Nothing spectacular or anything. He lead me inside and we talked a little, about the bus ride. I was in combination nervous, anxious, and downright scared. Later on, I'd recognize the cocktail of feelings I wrestled with as a "who-do-you-think-you-are-having-sex?". A combination of surprise and shame that questions the fact that I, of all people, can have sex and be sexy?!

I drank a glass of water, and after 15 seconds in the sofa we got to the bedroom ("Should we move to the bedroom?"). He was really gentle at maneuvering me to his bed (that he shares with his ex/roommate) and I needed it at that time. I got too eager though.

He stopped me in my kiss and said something like, "It's okay, slow down. No need to rush." Right after that something in me clicked and I calmed down so he could take the lead.

One of the things I enjoyed doing with him, was that he'll straddle me and close my legs together. Then he'll lift my balls and put a large wad of spit in the crevice. Then he'll fuck my taint. It feels amazing in between there, and I'll meet his thrusts. Sometimes, he'd hit it so right, I'd shudder.

I have no idea how long we fucked, but it was a great experience. I remember doing it doggy style and my hands were gripping the headboard. I remember it as a sort of validation that sex feels awesome; that sex is good. Later I realized that it was better because there was trust and mutual love and respect involved. At that moment, I was just meeting his thrusts.

We went to spooning. "Can I cum inside?" He was thrusting in and out of me, and I'm in some kind of pleasurable space.

"Yeah." A whisper enough for him to hear. I was unsure of this answer, but I'd say the same thing if I came back in time.

This was my first official bareback fucking experience (that got completed). The pleasure was intense as his cum expanded in my innards. Oh man, I can still feel ghosts  of it when i recall it.

After I came from jacking off, I froze from pleasure. The ceiling has a soft glow, my hand suspended in mid air, cum dripping off. I didn't think of anything other than the moment. He wipes me off and offers the shower, he has some nice sea saltwater soap. I love that scent because it's his too.

After cleanup, we talked for a little while. It'll take months to really be at ease with him, but I'd say we hit it great initially. The first strings of conversation involves a hint from him, that basically frames our relationship from then on (a complaint about overzealous sexual partners who cant distinguish between sex and a relationship proposal). Fuck Buddies. Nothing bad in that; "yeah, you're right," I agreed.

Then he'd talk about realizing his past life.

I was more materialistic back then, scrunched up my face.

He laughed at my response.

I laughed too.

I wish he was my first of firsts.

But I'm just very glad that we met.

Horse Training

After the thing with Ace, I got anxious from the fact that there's nothing constant anymore. I forgot that things always change and better things are always on their way.

Old Guard and I met through a fetish website, and moved to e-mails and then in person. I have little to no knowledge nor experience within bdsm, I just look at artists.

The first meeting was just the general talk. Though, we could've just gotten naked in his bedroom, but it was nice building rapport.We talked about general stuff, how he preferred men ("I can't go back .... I used to have girlfriends"), how long he had been a dom ("... many, many, many years")

He's in his 60s, Asian, and close to retiring. He's got a conservative upbringing and has never been touched as a child, so he likes body contact. He seems like a well balanced individual who owns his house outright (paid the mortgage early), and drives the 11-1 style. When I saw him stop his car in front of me to pick me up, I just went... really?

He thinks the current people in "kink" are all just showy and forgets the "mental side". He also thinks the same for the MMA fighters, no core strength and just upper bodies.

Z (e-mail): I remember when my fuck buddy [Ace] and I use to play rough. I'd get frustrated and fight back. It's like a conflict in my head: "I must follow [the] instruction,  but fuck you I do my way." I trust him, but as he said himself,  I have "trouble with control." Hence "rowdy" [from my profile].

O: ok so u are an aggressive sub?  u do not like someone to take control of you?  did ur ex tie you then play with u? or just rough anal play?

Z: Yeah.  Love being aggressive. I'm not trying to prove anything or test him, I just love the thrill of the fight. Like a prey who got hunted. Though,  i might great of winning and I'll get confused. Do you know any marital arts by any chance?  I only got kickboxing for a year. [I'm a beginner at best.]

His job, as dominant, would me to make me very comfortable as a sub and make me go in as a repeat customer. Like what he did with a six-foot white guy, "he shook all over," after his orgasm. I know he's telling the truth, there's no reason to lie in these things. A retiree experienced in the arts of carnal pleasures teaching a kid the way around the ropes, there's no reason to lie.

He's also funny. He can't do texting. Got a fucking land-line. So he uses his desktop computer.... think the 90s kine; a tower CPU with a floppy drive and a disk drive. Drives me the fuck insane. He also has a VHS in his room.... and a VHS tape on top of the TV.

After that, we get to meet next week. He picked me up at the same place. I haven't memorized it yet and we went to his gated community. A compact gathering of duplexes accented with shrubbery and gravel pathways. I was unsure of what will happen next, so I tried to feel up what's next the night before at work.

Z: This is a weird question...
Z: Probably not. But do I need to clean my ass? Lol
O: hmm, thought u wanted to go slow

Not really, I thought HE wanted to go slow.

O: hahaha, hey, if u feel comfortable, I would like to cuddle to start
Z: That'd be nice.
O: Also in time, I have enema in shower.
Z: You do?! Oh my god. That is so convenient. jesus!
O: cool, want u to feel u want to be here.

Z: And you got that covered.
O: Yes, hey, got into kink remember? have a lot of "things" which in time will surprise u
O: In time, open to try things when u feel ready with me
Z: my mind is racing...

O: I want to make ur orgasm as intense as u ever had

Z: Im getting a boner.
Z: That's all I could say at the moment.
O: good, want that even if u working

We ended up cuddling in the master bedroom, with the AC on. Got a nice view from the window above our heads, the light coming through is lovely, probably from the tints. I caught up on sleep.

From being fully clothed to fully naked was a very slow process. He was being extremely patient and I was just a little apprehensive. It's not drastically different from regular sex, it's just that I wasn't able to touch my penis more.

We both felt our hard-ons through our jeans. I think what happened first was him kissing my neck and running his hands on my sides.

That drove me into little spasms, my breath became hicks, and i wrapped my arms tighter around his neck, holding on.

"Ticklish...?"

"hmmm" is all I could say.

He straddles me and lifts my shirt up. Traces his stubble and his tongue around my torso and when he puts his mouth on my nipples it was amazing. It's not as rough as Ace does it, and the best way to describe it was a vibration.

I want to know how he does it. I never got to ask. Does he suckle on it? I can still remember ghosts of it.

Then he flipped me over and ran his face, tongue, and hands on my back. I can't stop shaking from the microns of sensations from his stubble, the light kisses, and the soft touches of his tongue and lips. Too much.

He turned me around and laid on my left and took my shirt off. His right snaking behind me and gripped my right wrist. His legs locked around on my legs. Akin to Jujitsu, he's got me pinned.

He'd then whispered things in my ear. And with my eyes closed, I imagined them. My breath was deep and heavy, and as he ghost his hand over my torso, I'd shake and arch my back.

Appointment

Ace:  Slut
A: LOL
Z: You knew that the moment you laid eyes on me. LOL
A: HaHa

Week After.

Z: Guy #2 is an ex-military. Fucking hot and quite an inspiring guy.
Z: It might not look like it, bit it really is a productive day today. LOL
A: Nice.
Z: I made a mistake of making him cum outside. Dude. He's as big as you. AND HIS ASS WAS DELICIOUS.
Z: Then I wrote some e-mails did some some work and read a magazine. I can't believe it man, I'm a really lucky guy.
A: Damn wish I was playing maybe we could do a three way
Z: It was a real quick one. Fucking rough. God I love it.
Z: Skinny type of guy. Looks like that actor.
Z: Heeeey. Aren't you supposed to be a good boy? [Ace is dating someone]
A: Hmmmmm, Could be fun!!
Z: Lol. The mister might not be that strict. lol
A: Hmmmm
Z: Hmmmmmmm [fuck, I hate the "hmmmm" the fuck does that mean?]
Z: My fear of staying after hours in the shop. Because that seems to be the only place, is that I'll miss the last bus. But thats just 6 hours of reading and napping at the bus stop [for the next bus]. Lol. Whatever. There are other cocks.
A: The adventurer!

Later that night.

Z (from my phone): That day seems best.
Old Guard (his desktop computer): ok, you plan to be here 8am? also, sleep here then when rested want to learn more sub play? how long do you want to stay?
Z: As long as you can. Last bus at 12 I believe. I'll double check. I was wondering if we can use the fleshlight if thats ok.
O: Sure, guess u never used one.
Z: Nope
Z: Also, teach me that tie thing. Lol.
O: different feel, u will find out esp if u are tied
O: on ur cock/balls?
O: u liked it huh?
Z: I did. It was so interesting I wanna take pictures.
O: sure.
Z: I think I'm not ready for a blindfold yet. I dunno why, I think its because I like my vision so much.
O: confirm the day before if that day is definite, hope u are not working too hard
Z: Nope. I learned to take the right amount. Also vitamins and sleep.
O: sure, perhaps later, blindfolds creates more of a mental aspect in bondage, the mind works alot if cant see
Z; That;s the thing. The mind gets to more thinking. You just shut one of the avenues.
O: yes but that is the idea. e.g. bondage ur feeling now is transferred to ur skin on ur body, u will become very sensitive even areas not before
Z: I trained my mine to be more quiet. Then this?
O: well see how u enjoy bondage, then see how things evolve
Z: Yup.
O: to me that's when bdsm play is all about, experimentation and potential expansion of pleasures and growth
Z: how many subs did you go through so far?
O: actually not many as u think, people talk of it more than willing to try it. it tends to be more fantasy than reality to most.
Z: Would it be called different if lets say drawing blood was involved?
O: actually no, blood is in the realm of bdsm, just a vast majority don't do it. e.g. breath control, etc. there are areas very few venture into
Z: Ok. Hows your end doing?
O: am doing ok, nothing much, also, seems u have not participated into a lot of "kink" play?
Z: rough fucks seems to be the closets ever. Its so funny I had sex twice yesterday and I really like the shorter and rougher second one. I didn't even cum.
Z: turns out I really really like rimming
Z: *love
O: rough makes u feel more like an "it" versus a person? for u?
Z: It's not really being objectified. the second one made me feel a little like masturbatory material rather than a sex partner.
Z: so being used wasn't that fun.
Z: what I really liked and had fun with the guy was the blase-ness of it and the intense sensations.
O: ah ok, we'll see. I like feedback from u what turns u on or not. I tend to develop methods to excite
Z: there was no pretense. We just drove right in it. Then we talked about shit and whatever after.
Z: I'll tell you more about it. It's still fresh in my head.
O: ok, seems u are being experiential with different guys.
Z: I guess so.
O: ok, going to bed, catch you later
Z: yep
O: have ur wrists been tied to ur ankles to expose ur ass for fucking
Z: nope.

Before I could ask why did he ask, I was cut off by his reply.

O: ok
O: anyways chat more, gonna go offline, take care
Z: K

Son of a bitch. The next day.

O: need to cancel tomorrow meeting, wont be able to host.
Z: okay. That put a damper in me.

Then silence, I didn't bother. I have a feeling that was intentional.